Just for fun, let’s start out this article by doing the following quiz:  Print out this article, read the phrases and determine whether they describe "love" or "lust," and then write it on the line at the beginning of the phrase.

________ 1. Your heart pounds really fast and you feel like you’re going to explode.

________ 2. You can’t eat.

________ 3. You look at your sweetheart constantly with puppy-dog eyes.

________ 4. You’re so nervous that your palms become sweaty.

________ 5. You forget how to talk, sputtering out half-words instead of sentences.

________ 6. You want to be with your sweetie constantly.

________ 7. When you touch each other, you feel a current of electricity ripping through your bodies.

________ 8. You can’t sleep.

________ 9. You experience an inability to concentrate on anything, except your sweetie.

________ 10. You constantly think about having sex in every place and position imaginable.

________ 11. When you touch each other, you feel peacefulness washing over you.

________ 12. You want to spend quality time with your sweetheart.

________ 13. Your palms remain dry.

________ 14. You have a healthy appetite.

________ 15. You think about new ways you would like to make love to your sweetheart.

________ 16. Your heart beats a little faster and a little light comes on inside of you that makes you feel warmer.

________ 17. You look deep into each other’s eyes from time to time.

________ 18. You can think clearly.

________ 19. You can sleep soundly.

________ 20. You talk with a soft, relaxed voice.

        If you guessed the first 10 phrases were "lust" and the last 10 were "love," you were correct.  Here are Webster’s definitions:

LUST: a desire to gratify the senses; bodily appetite; sexual desire; excessive sexual desire, especially as seeking unrestrained gratification.

LOVE: a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person; a strong, usually passionate, affection of one person for another, based in part on sexual attraction.

        Lust is often mistaken for LOVE, isn’t it?  Lust is a biological response that is inbred in order to further the species.

        Would you consider a person who openly displayed feelings of LUST for you within the first few dates, to be mature and balanced?  Definitely not.  This type of person is not only extremely attracted to you, but he/she tends to also become extremely angry, extremely depressed, extremely bored, etc.  Sound familiar?  This type of person lives in the extremes because they are deeply wounded and immature.

        You’ve probably heard of some singles being referred to as "3-monthers" or "6-monthers or "12-monthers."  Most of these singles are "attraction junkies."  When they no longer feel the rush of infatuation, they believe they are no longer "in love."  The truth is, they were actually "in LUST."  They didn’t hang in there long enough to make it to "LOVE."  These singles usually become sexually involved very early in a relationship.

        Is sex that is based solely on physical attractiveness meaningful and mature?  The difference between a child and an adult is that an adult has the ability to delay gratification.

        It is natural to feel LUST, and perhaps every healthy relationship should begin with feeling a little LUST.  It is acting on and/or vocalizing your feelings of LUST early in a dating relationship that is inappropriate and immature.  It not only devalues yourself, it devalues the person you are dating.  It’s as if you’re saying,

"I’m afraid you’re not going to like me after you get to know me, so let’s get it on as soon as possible while we’re still crazy about each other."

Or  "I really don’t care how well we know each other--I just need a warm body."

Or  "I’m afraid if we wait too long to have sex, it won’t be as exciting later on, so let’s do it now."

        LUST is based on fear.  Healthy LOVE is based on confidence and faith.

        Here’s an alternative.  What if next time you stuck to your values, morals and boundaries, and with honesty and compassion said,

"I’m very attracted to you, and I have strong morals and values.  I want a relationship that is based on more than lust, so let’s take our time and really get to know each other because we're worth it."

        A dating partner who agrees with you and does not pressure you to have sex, is someone who will honor you, commit to you and love you. And that's mature and meaningful.  

 Cor. 13:4-7:  Love is patient, love is kind.  ...It does not boast...it is not self-seeking...   It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Melody Ellenberger's philosophy is that the greatest amount of personal growth happens in an intimate relationship. Melody's website, SinglesWorkshops.com, was created for the specific purpose of providing relationship education to single adults so that they may be better prepared for creating healthy, lasting relationships.  

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