In looking for an appropriate
answer to this common question, I researched several interesting articles.
Relationship expert
Myreah Moore says "If it takes nine months to deliver a baby, it should take
that long for a relationship to be born and grow."
Psychologist Dr. James E.
Savage believes five years is not too long to wait. " The five-year time period
allows people to talk and to discover things about each other without the
romantic feelings running amuck, which sometimes get in the way of a real clear
definition of where each is coming from and wants to go."
Dr. Drew Pinsky says it
only takes six months to determine marital compatibility. A woman considers
marriage when she feels like she has met the "right partner." A man considers
marriage when he feels like he has his life in order and it is the "right time."
Dr. Sheron Patterson
says, "You should be able to ascertain if that’s someone you want to marry
within a year. You invest lots of time, money and your life. The longer you
hold on, the more you get compromised."
In my opinion, six months
or nine months might be a long enough time period for an older, mature couple
who have both done a lot of personal growth work and are emotionally balanced.
However, keep in mind that "personal growth" and "emotional balance" do not
necessarily go hand-in-hand with age.
The five-year period may
be appropriate for 18 year olds who are still forming their identities.
However, for older adults it seems an excessively long time to wait, especially
if you are saving the sexual intimacy for the wedding night.
For acquaintances who
have just begun to date, I agree with Dr. Patterson that one year is a
sufficient length of time. It is important to observe a person’s personality
during all four seasons of the year. Does his/her temperament change during the
holidays? Do they get "spring fever?" Also, 12 months should give a couple
plenty of time to talk through all the important topics necessary for
determining compatibility for marriage. If this has not happened after 12
months, there must be a reason. I would not want to continue dating a person
with whom I did not feel comfortable sharing my dreams and goals. It would be
similar to depositing money into a bank account in which withdrawals were never
allowed.
The following is a quote
from David Murray’s article, Trial and Ardor: Enhancing Marriage through
Courtship (World and I, Feb 1998) which I found very confirming:
"Everywhere in the world that
the phenomenon has been studied, long engagements and highly ceremonial,
religious, and even expensive weddings that compel the extended investment
of both families turn out to be predictors of marital stability. One effect
of long service or delays in allowing marriage is to allow a young man’s
passion, a transient thing at best, to mature."
The Marriage Project.org
conducted a survey in Colorado a few years ago which showed that "a longer
courtship tends to indicate greater satisfaction with marriage. Among those who
courted for more than four years, 65 percent rate their own marriage a 9 or 10
in terms of strength."
It is impossible to
"hurry up and get to know someone." What a person says only makes up half of
his/her identity. When someone you are dating describes himself/herself as
"trustworthy and responsible," are you going to believe him/her simply because
he/she said that? Or are you going to wait until that person’s behavior
characterizes those qualities? Time is the necessary ingredient to determine
congruency of words to actions. It is also the amount of time spent in each
other’s company that determines consistency of behavior. The coat of "best
behavior" usually comes off after about three months, and then the real person
emerges.
James 1:22-24 – "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive
yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word, but does not do
what it says, is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after
looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like
HOME
Article: